The Valentine's Day List

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  • The Valentine’s Day List 2026

    1. You’re not my boyfriend. You’re just my target.

    2. I’m glad to see you found someone you never have to worry is overthinking things.

    3. At least Icarus tried.

    4. Sometimes all you need is a BBC telling you your ex was an idiot because your pussy tastes like peaches and cream.

    5. If you can’t keep up with me, at least have the decency stay out of the way.

    6. I got a married guy with two young kids and ADHD to set a regular reminder to tell me how he feels about me. Your unmarried child-free ass can make dinner plans.

    7. Your death meant one less person to avoid at the sex party.

    8. If you think I put everything on the internet, I dare you to tell me my relationship status.

    9. I tried being emotionally available once. Big mistake. Huge.

    10. Why is it that men who do crazy shit for love get movies like “say anything” and “the notebook” and I had to scroll 5 pages of shitty AI search results to get “Pitch Perfect” instead of “Fatal Attraction”?

    11. What phase of healing is it where you’re exchanging test results with people whose real names you don’t know?

    12. How does the quote go? “I thought that you were the most beautiful mark I had ever seen.”

    13. Your oral game had better be on point if you tell me you spent your weekend generating an AI prompt.

    14. I’m sorry I mistook you gripping onto me like a starving man, taking off our shirts and pressing your heart to mine and holding me there, not having sex, not kissing me, just holding my chest to yours with your lips to my ears like an unspoken promise, for something besides just fucking. My bad.

    15. I love to be alone, except when I am lonely.

    16. When you insist on being the last person I have sex with before flying to Europe to have sex with somebody else, don’t clog my toilet right before we head to the airport together and then text me from the Uber black outside my house to tell me to hurry while I’m plunging your shit.

    17. Fact is, if you insist on being loved better, you are most likely to end up alone.

    18. Agreeing to a FMF three-way won’t get your partner to like or respect you more, but is an excellent way to let him know you’re ok with him fucking other women. If he really wants you happy, demand an Eiffel Tower.

    19. If you didn’t want me to house break your man, you shouldn’t have let him out in public. Some people pay good money for that.

    20. Sex the moment you get here from the airport. Tech talk over chicken wings and beer at the pub. Sex again before we fall asleep, wrapped around each other., You not snoring as your leg pins mine. Wake up to sex again before you leave and I don’t see you again for three months. I think you may be perfect.

    21. Don’t act like some Pacific Northwest kitchen table poly elite when your wife doesn’t know I exist and we bareback and you call me your girlfriend.

    22. If we’re seeing the same person and you refer to them as yours, I will also refer to them as yours. Possessive pronouns are for other people.

    23. I know why you tell all of your dude friends that we’re sleeping together but refuse to admit it to the girl who calls you her boyfriend and I’m not flattered.

    24. I’m feral. No, I don’t want to leave a toothbrush at your house.

    25. Of course you can’t be with someone who doesn’t need fixing. Your ego could never survive being wanted but not needed.

    26. I intimidate your other partners so you have to spend time soothing them for no reason other than that I exist and you spend 0 time soothing me? … You’re welcome.

    27. I’d rather make 18% more money but instead I have had sex with every person I ever wanted to have sex with but I’d rather make 18% more money.

    28. No, me insisting you get tested isn’t like “Nazi Germany”. Instead of being killed for not getting tested, you get sex if you are. If the oral weren’t so good I’d have given up completely after this voice memo but … desperate times.

    29. FetLife is awesome for shopping based on dick size.

    30. If you don’t want to be quoted, don’t speak.

    31. If I’ve never commented critically on any of your behavior it’s because, if I get annoyed enough, I’ll walk, not talk.

    32. It wasn’t until I saw your wife that I realized how much you must love your kids.

    33. If you don’t give me enough information, you don’t get to be insulted by how I fill in the blanks. 

    34. Don’t be the Princess Donut to his Ferdinand.

    35. An affair? Really? Disappointing one woman wasn’t enough for you?

    36. Don’t tell me you’re not looking for anything serious and then try to strong-arm me into your polycule.

    37. You know you got it bad if you like the feeling of their breath on you when you sleep.

    38. Insulting my vibrating necklace and later sending me a photo from before we met of your wife wearing one is tacky.

    39. It’s not my fault you googled me and now you’re worried you’re not cool enough for me. You’re not.

    40. Try, if you can, to not accidentally send personalized artwork for one lover to another. On valentine’s day. While your marks are still on my skin.

    41. I didn’t even want to talk about my feelings when things were good. Don’t make me talk about them when things go south.

    42. “How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved.” – Freud

    43. If you bring me along on a date you planned with one of our other partners without telling me or our other partner beforehand, I’m going to choose her, not you.

    44. The best part about living authentically is that I don’t have to pretend it was less than soul-shaking, hope-affirming love in order to move on.

    45. Don’t confuse my hyper-fixation for interest.

    46. I did not “make you my sex slave”. You volunteered. You’re like a sex intern.

    47. “We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty, and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing, so as not to feel anything, what a waste.” André Aciman

    48. Don’t tease me for my caution when you can’t even take the risk of love.

    49. If you’re scared off because I have options, you’re missing the beauty of me choosing you.

    50. I’m sorry you met me after I gave up hope. It’s not personal.

  • The Valentine’s Day List 2025

    1. How much tip are you supposed to leave housekeeping so they don’t call in a suspected crime?

    2. There’s your type, and your fit. They’re probably not the same.

    3. “The heart wants what it wants, or else it does not care.” Dickinson.  That’s the whole quote, and that second half is important.

    4. Stop trying to convince me to settle for less when less is … you.

    5. When they come back to kiss you goodbye three times, you don’t have to ask if they love you.

    6. Divorce before demotion. Disband before deprioritization. I was married too long to nag a new person for what I need.

    7. My relationship with my father is too good for negging to work. Trying cooking me dinner.

    8. I have never related to a fictional character more than I relate to Bella Baxter.

    9. If you are a woman who has successfully received oral pleasure to completion from a man who votes conservative, I want all three of you to explain why you don’t know what it is to have an orgasm.

    10. They didn’t cheat. They non-consensually opened up your relationship. If they try to “close it” again, it’s because they don’t want you to fuck other people. But who cares what they want! They already decided. If it’s been a while, know that oral gonorrhea is on the rise and there are lots of new ways to help prevent transmission of HIV. Enjoy!

    11. I want you to look at your skin and think of me.

    12. If you open the car door for me, walk around the car and get in on the other side. Don’t make me scoot across the seat so you can get in. 

    13. When he bends his schedule to make a bucket list item happen for your terminally ill friend … that’s all. Thank you.

    14. According to someone, I am a “planning top,” which, yeah, no notes.

    15. [me] “That’s the bummer about these journals. No one’s ever gonna see how funny I am and the little jokes I make for myself. They’ll just be all ‘ehhhhh, you fucked my husband!’”
    [bestie] “Well, everyone already knows you’re funny.”

    16. I’m not putting up a sign that says “will put out for fresh-cut vegetables and cheese drizzled in olive oil after a day-long dust storm”. Not because it’s not true; that’s just a lot of words for a sign.

    17. When I’m monogamous, it’s because I only want to sleep with my partner. Turns out, most people who are monogamous are doing it because they don’t want their partner to sleep with anyone else. Weird.
    17a. Ok, it’s not weird. I guess most people would choose giving up the opportunity for sex with people outside of their primary relationship before they are willing to work through their own jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness. Choose your discomfort – jealousy and insecurity or unrequited sexual frustration. I don’t have a religious position on this; I’ve seen too much bullshit on all sides.
    17b. Or cheat.

    18. If you’re listening to them sleep you may have caught feelings. There is help.

    19. Dating someone with ADD is so strange because it’s the bizarre sensation of being thought about and forgotten at the same time.

    20. Remembering my birthday and giving gifts relevant to our time together is its whole own erogenous zone. 

    21. The most effective way to get what you want is to leave. 
    21a. You will not get what you want from the person you’re with if they’re not already giving it.
    21b. If you’ve been together a while the polite thing to do is give them a chance even though it won’t work.

    22. If you’re AFAB and going for two different partners in a day but not in the same session, masturbate to orgasm in between and try to get the one you’re fluid bonded with to go second.

    23. I’m sure you’d be a great boyfriend but I’m just looking for an 8″ minimum of be gone by the time I get up in the morning. 7″ if you make me laugh.

    24. At some point one must choose between being lied to and being single.

    25. Ladies. Quinn. I’m a bit annoyed I had to discover this through TikTok.

    26. If you’re going to complain about my toys, provide better ones then.

    27. My healthiest relationship is the one where we’re texting back and forth about work and artistic endeavors and our lovers in the wee hours of the morning. Probably.

    28. Spare me ever having to tell another man not to wear a baseball cap to dinner.

    29. You put on a button-down shirt every time we meet at one of “my hotels” and I’m going to think we’ve graduated from situationship to dating.

    30. Ladies, if you learn to cook, you can land yourself a man who never learned how and who expects you to do it for him *every day*.

    31. “For, to possess you and to love you is to buy a moment’s happiness with an eternity of remorse,” Valmont, Dangerous Liaisons. Some days it’s a Valmont day, some days it’s a Merteuil day. I still don’t know who won.

    32. If my answers to your “Why did you and your LTR split?” question make you uncomfortable, it’s probably because you’re a mediocre partner, not because I should’ve settled.

    33. If the second date is to see the Book of Kells, it’s going to be nearly impossible to step up from there.

    34. You can bring it down by ending up in a shady Dublin emergency room while texting all of your lady doctor friends for medical advice.

    35. No matter how casual, it’s always nice to hear “I’m going to spoon the hell out of you!” from a lover.

    36. Being a dirty little secret is delightful and comes with perks like “who else I’m seeing is none of your business” and “no, I’m not Mrs. —. He can’t afford it.”

    37. It’s also nice to be with someone who is willing to be seen in public with me. Probably.

    38. When you burn so bright when you’re together that people ask, optimistically, if you’re married, it’s because they want to believe. The awkward laugh and disappointment at “yes, but not to each other” is its own reward.

    39. If you want to pull a Morticia, you have to be as enthusiastic and emotionally available as a Gomez. And know how to wear a suit.

    40. Holding my hand on the plane is wonderful. Waking up to comfort me during turbulence is next level. Telling me you’re proud of me once you realize the battle I do every time I get on a plane makes me feel seen.

    41. The people who love me best are the people who know what a giant punning dork I am. And love me anyway.

    42. I say “My hyperindependence is part of my charm!” and he glares and says “Is it?” I say “My naïveté is part of my charm!” and he says “It is, actually.”

    43. You want him to buy you dinner. I invite him to see me perform in a different country. We are not the same. But you are definitely easier on the ego, so you’re gonna be more appealing to a certain type of person.

    44. Stop saying you did ayahuasca and felt like you needed to connect with me after having an epiphany, then ADD out on me for a month. If just one person had said this it’d be flattering but at this point it’s a weird type.

    45. I met a man who mortgaged his life to put a smile on my face and I ended things when his attentions waned. So if you can’t even tell me that you like me, don’t expect me to break my stride when I leave our situationship for someone who’s emotionally available.

    46. I won’t ask you for more. I’ll just leave.

    47. You thought you were poly but you just wanted a harem.

    48. Hot != I’m attracted to you. So imagine my discomfiture at realizing over dinner how fucking hot you are well after the first time we’d been naked together because I was attracted to how you make me laugh.

    49. Look, when you said “sweetheart, I really hope you’re still here when the drugs wear off,” I thought you were being rhetorical. And that you wouldn’t notice that I wasn’t there when the drugs wore off.

    50. You must conclude with the round of antibiotics from one lover before you proceed with antibiotics for the next lover.