1. You’re not my boyfriend. You’re just my target.
2. I’m glad to see you found someone you never have to worry is overthinking things.
3. At least Icarus tried.
4. Sometimes all you need is a BBC telling you your ex was an idiot because your pussy tastes like peaches and cream.
5. If you can’t keep up with me, at least have the decency stay out of the way.
6. I got a married guy with two young kids and ADHD to set a regular reminder to tell me how he feels about me. Your unmarried child-free ass can make dinner plans.
7. Your death meant one less person to avoid at the sex party.
8. If you think I put everything on the internet, I dare you to tell me my relationship status.
9. I tried being emotionally available once. Big mistake. Huge.
10. Why is it that men who do crazy shit for love get movies like “say anything” and “the notebook” and I had to scroll 5 pages of shitty AI search results to get “Pitch Perfect” instead of “Fatal Attraction”?
11. What phase of healing is it where you’re exchanging test results with people whose real names you don’t know?
12. How does the quote go? “I thought that you were the most beautiful mark I had ever seen.”
13. Your oral game had better be on point if you tell me you spent your weekend generating an AI prompt.
14. I’m sorry I mistook you gripping onto me like a starving man, taking off our shirts and pressing your heart to mine and holding me there, not having sex, not kissing me, just holding my chest to yours with your lips to my ears like an unspoken promise, for something besides just fucking. My bad.
15. I love to be alone, except when I am lonely.
16. When you insist on being the last person I have sex with before flying to Europe to have sex with somebody else, don’t clog my toilet right before we head to the airport together and then text me from the Uber black outside my house to tell me to hurry while I’m plunging your shit.
17. Fact is, if you insist on being loved better, you are most likely to end up alone.
18. Agreeing to a FMF three-way won’t get your partner to like or respect you more, but is an excellent way to let him know you’re ok with him fucking other women. If he really wants you happy, demand an Eiffel Tower.
19. If you didn’t want me to house break your man, you shouldn’t have let him out in public. Some people pay good money for that.
20. Sex the moment you get here from the airport. Tech talk over chicken wings and beer at the pub. Sex again before we fall asleep, wrapped around each other., You not snoring as your leg pins mine. Wake up to sex again before you leave and I don’t see you again for three months. I think you may be perfect.
21. Don’t act like some Pacific Northwest kitchen table poly elite when your wife doesn’t know I exist and we bareback and you call me your girlfriend.
22. If we’re seeing the same person and you refer to them as yours, I will also refer to them as yours. Possessive pronouns are for other people.
23. I know why you tell all of your dude friends that we’re sleeping together but refuse to admit it to the girl who calls you her boyfriend and I’m not flattered.
24. I’m feral. No, I don’t want to leave a toothbrush at your house.
25. Of course you can’t be with someone who doesn’t need fixing. Your ego could never survive being wanted but not needed.
26. I intimidate your other partners so you have to spend time soothing them for no reason other than that I exist and you spend 0 time soothing me? … You’re welcome.
27. I’d rather make 18% more money but instead I have had sex with every person I ever wanted to have sex with but I’d rather make 18% more money.
28. No, me insisting you get tested isn’t like “Nazi Germany”. Instead of being killed for not getting tested, you get sex if you are. If the oral weren’t so good I’d have given up completely after this voice memo but … desperate times.
29. FetLife is awesome for shopping based on dick size.
30. If you don’t want to be quoted, don’t speak.
31. If I’ve never commented critically on any of your behavior it’s because, if I get annoyed enough, I’ll walk, not talk.
32. It wasn’t until I saw your wife that I realized how much you must love your kids.
33. If you don’t give me enough information, you don’t get to be insulted by how I fill in the blanks.
34. Don’t be the Princess Donut to his Ferdinand.
35. An affair? Really? Disappointing one woman wasn’t enough for you?
36. Don’t tell me you’re not looking for anything serious and then try to strong-arm me into your polycule.
37. You know you got it bad if you like the feeling of their breath on you when you sleep.
38. Insulting my vibrating necklace and later sending me a photo from before we met of your wife wearing one is tacky.
39. It’s not my fault you googled me and now you’re worried you’re not cool enough for me. You’re not.
40. Try, if you can, to not accidentally send personalized artwork for one lover to another. On valentine’s day. While your marks are still on my skin.
41. I didn’t even want to talk about my feelings when things were good. Don’t make me talk about them when things go south.
42. “How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved.” – Freud
43. If you bring me along on a date you planned with one of our other partners without telling me or our other partner beforehand, I’m going to choose her, not you.
44. The best part about living authentically is that I don’t have to pretend it was less than soul-shaking, hope-affirming love in order to move on.
45. Don’t confuse my hyper-fixation for interest.
46. I did not “make you my sex slave”. You volunteered. You’re like a sex intern.
47. “We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty, and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing, so as not to feel anything, what a waste.” André Aciman
48. Don’t tease me for my caution when you can’t even take the risk of love.
49. If you’re scared off because I have options, you’re missing the beauty of me choosing you.
50. I’m sorry you met me after I gave up hope. It’s not personal.
The Valentine's Day List 
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